Merispeaks's Weblog

More beautiful YOU!!

Meri — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:43:26 +0000

This is very good song that goes along with adolescence, i’m sure a lot of us girls have went through some of what this song talks about. It really hit me cause when I was a teenager I did all I could to fit in…if you know my past I suffered from a disease called Anorexia. Listen to this song and just look back at your teenage years and see if any of these lyrics mean anything to you.

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn’t straight her body isn’t fake
And she’s always felt overweight

Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care your skin your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don’t buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty-one the things that you’ve already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you’ve got a man but he’s got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well little girl twenty-one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there’s a man whose love is true
And he’ll treat you like the jewel you are

So turn around you’re not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It’s not too late you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear they can all be washed away
By the one who’s strong can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you’ll see through the eyes of a little girl

Dedication to Rod…RIP

Meri — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 23:17:37 +0000

This is Rod’s favorite song and was played at his funeral today. I hope you all enjoy it. It is a very powerful song and means a lot to Rod’s family and friends.

If I leave here tomarrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on now
There’s too many places I’ve gotta see
If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same

Cause I’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Oooh ooh ooh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I cannot change

Bye bye its been sweet love
Though this feeling I cannot change
Please don’t take this so badly
Cause lord knows i’m to blame
If I stay here with you girl
Things just couldn’t be the same

Cause i’m as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
ooh oh oh
And the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can’t change

Lord help me I can’t chaaange
Lord I can’t change
Wont you fly high free bird

Family friend was lost today

Meri — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:44:31 +0000

i got a call from my mom today and she left a message saying “call me when you get this”. So I called and my jaw hit the floor….one of my dads best friends died this morning and when i was talking to him he had to tell me to hold on a sec…i knew he was crying and sad i could hear in his voice. It breaks my heart to hear my dad so sad. This family friend is one that i have known since i was born. It is going to be rough for the family and friends. My dad said just last saturday they were all playing golf and now this. I couldnt help but shed some tears with my dad. I was going to go over and see my parents but I know my dad doesnt want me to see him like this so I will give him his time to reflect and get his composer. I hate hearing these things it makes me so sad, and i feel totally helpless for my dad. i know he knows that i am here for him and my mom but i am not going to rush things. This was a very dear friend that we lost today….he was only 57. Who knew that 28 was middle age. I breaks my heart. My prayers are with the family and friends. I know God will take good care of Rod and he will be looking down on us with a big smile.

Send the pain below….

Meri — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 21:37:43 +0000

this song was one of my faves…it explains alot about my life the last few years. I dont have a video but I do have the lyrics and a Youtube link. Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDdxY3tXHt0

Chevelle – Send the pain below

I liked, having hurt
So send the pain below where I need it,
You used to beg me to take care of things,
And smile at the thought of me failing.

But long before, having hurt,
I’d send the pain below,
I’d send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I’d send the pain below…)
Much like suffocating,
(I’d send the pain below…)

You used to run me away,
All while laughing.
Then cry about that fact,
’til I returned.

But long before, having hurt,
I’d send the pain below,
I’d send the pain below.

Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
Much like suffocating,
(I’d send the pain below…)
Much like suffocating,
(I’d send the pain below…)
Much like suffocating.

I can’t feel my chest,
Need more, drop down,
Closing in.

I can’t feel my chest,
Drop down.

I liked, having hurt.
So send the pain below,
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [I liked]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating) [Having hurt]
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below,
(Much like suffocating)
So send the pain below.

Jobless and lonely

Meri — Wed, 15 Jul 2009 21:22:24 +0000

My last day at cch was 06/11/09 and i am still looking for a job. The job market is tough and it makes me feel like i cant do anything better with my life. i have thoughts of going back to CCH but those are not very good thoughts. I absolutely hate that place with a passion especially the department that i was in for over 6 years. They dont realize what they have lost and if they gain a new employee then so be it but my time and effort there was never compensated and i was just pawn in the corporate industry. I dont think I will ever work for a place like that again

Ever since I quit my job i have felt the feeling of loneliness and worthlessness. Only because the job market is soo tough. I even have to sale my BMW cause i cant afford the payments. I am selling it for 14,900 as is. i have no health insurance so if i get in an accident im screwed. I scared cause this feeling of the unknowing is getting to me. I wish the perfect job would come to me and i can be happy to go to work every morning. i havent been sleeping very well or eating very well i just have this lump in my stomach and it is not going away. I pray to God every night that something will happen but so far nothing. I am just venting…i dont want sympathy by any means i just want to be successful and happy. i think its going to be a long road ahead but as long as i can keep my spirits up i think i will be ok.

I miss all my co workers and my friends. I have been pretty down lately and I apologize for the lack of communication. Please forgive me!

Love you all!

Meri

times are tough

Meri — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 18:31:29 +0000

i get down about myself and the decisions i make or made. im down right now cause i do not have anything to look forward too. my job meant a lot to me but the company changed soo much that i just didnt belong there anymore. i wish the company would see that they have lost a great employee but that is just wishful thinking. i pray to God each night that i find something to make me happy again and to look forward too. I dont like getting in fights with my spouse cause when we do i just dont feel the need to fight. when he brings up the words “im done” it doesnt phase me at all. I dont get sad or heartbroken because i refuse to let him do that to me again. i pretty much just say “ok” “what do you want me to do?” i even asked if i should start packing. I wasnt afraid. life goes on and i refuse to be unhappy and caged. i talked to my mom a lot now and she sees what i see. its just a matter of time.

Goodbye to my friend……

Meri — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 22:08:50 +0000

This is Meri’s ghost writer/friend. She is also my best friend, my sister, my ‘twin-soul’, my confidant. I wanted to dedicate this song in here to her from me. I feel it’s a song that encompasses several facets of her life and deserves credit. I’m completely, utterly, horribly heartbroken without her here anymore. I feel something has died because it’s suddenly empty and it hurts. BUT I’m grateful for so much more and that makes me smile.

I love you Meri very much and ALWAYS ALWAYS know….. I’m here, ok? I’m never too far away for you.

Through my eyes, nothing compares to you.

I am angry…for a handful of different reasons. Struggles she’s been through and still is. But she’s a fighter and I believe in her 1029%. When she soars, when she’s free of games, I’ll watch her fly feeling proud and knowing she’s unstopabble.

Closure….coming soon

Meri — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 22:05:45 +0000

Wow, this year has flown by fast. I cant believe its already summer and we are actually hitting 90 some degree weather!!! I absolutely love summer. Dont have to worry about having a coat on or being cold in general. Its ooooo sooooo nice!

About this time last year is when I really started to feel like my life had changed for the better. But its funny how things end up sometimes. I would have never thought that I would be back in that home again. Things were just moving right by me and I didnt look twice. It was a great feeling to not feel so alone.

The next step on my journey is to find closure. I need to practice letting go of emotions and just be me. There is nothing I can do to stop things from happening so why should I worry? I will find closure and be happy for the things that I have accomplished! Hmmm, I wonder where I will be at this time NEXT YEAR???

Never take a moment of lifes greatest gifts for granted

Meri — Tue, 19 May 2009 16:26:25 +0000

Lately I have been thinking about my health and if my body will ever be able to carry a child or if I will live a full life or not. There are so many things that I do to my body that is not healthy. But someone told me…”If you are supposed to have a child it will happen. No matter if you are ready or not…it will happen.” I’m just wondering when it will happen…it gets kind of depressing because I love kids to death. Taking care of other peoples kids is awesome and it gives me an awesome feeling when i get to teach them new things. But when will it be my turn to teach my own child what I know.

I was talking with my bud bud Jenny and I was telling her that I want to get back into teaching swim lessons. I love to teach kids new things and My helping them conquer their fears of water or get them to do new an amazing strokes in the water is a huge reward in my book. I need to get my shoulders in check and get my headaches under control before I start involving others. I figure I will start out slow and just do laps back and forth up and down the pool to get my body used to swimming. After I feel I can over come some of my elements I think I will have enough strength to help others. I just dont want to be a no body in this world I want to make a difference in a child’s life. Its defiantly going to take some work but i can do it.

I would love to hear from everyone just so I know things are going good. All my friends and family mean alot to to me and i would love to hear from you.

Peace out! And take care…live you life to the fullest no matter what.

Cataplexy…what is it?

Meri — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:03:19 +0000

I went to see the doctor yesterday and we discussed my fainting episodes some more, too try and figure out what is going on and why these are happening. Well, after my doctor asked me some questions..she had this look on her face, like “hmmmm I wonder….” That’s when she told me about a neurological disease called Cataplexy.

Basically cataplexy is when your muscles stop functioning and you faint or pass out. There is no warning signs and its a very rare disease. I’m not saying that I have this disease cause I have not been diagnosed with it but it is very interesting to read about, because some of what they say about this disease fits what happens to me.

Per the experts “Cataplexy is the sudden loss of muscle tone that is triggered by the experience of an intense emotion. The word cataplexy comes from the Latin word “cataplessa” which means, “to strike down with fearor the like” [1]. Cataplexy is the result of an absence of the hypocretin (also known as orexin) neurotransmitter in the hypothalamus. Although it is commonly linked to the syndrome narcolepsy, it may be associated with other pathological conditions.”

http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Cataplexy

This could be what is going on or it could be something that I dont have but could help the doctors figure what is going on.